By Michele Weiner DavisMen always want sex. That's the message you hear from your friends, from
talk-show experts, from TV sitcoms. Except when they don't.
What if you find that you're the one craving a deeper sexual connection, but
he simply doesn't want sex very often — or ever? How can you rescue your sex
life? Read on for couple-tested solutions for bringing intimacy and heat back
into your relationship, in this exclusive excerpt from the new book by REDBOOK
Love Network expert Michele...
From pleasure to procreation, insecurity to inquisitiveness -- today's reasons for taking a roll in the hay seem to vary as much as the terms for the deed itself. A 2010 Sexuality & Culture review of sex motivation studies states that people are offering "far more reasons for choosing to engage in sexual activity than in former times." And we're doing it more often too. It’s a stark contrast from historical assumptions, which cited only three sexual motive: To make babies, to feel good, or because you're in love.
Today, sexual behaviors seem to have taken on many different psychological, social, cultural, even religious meanings. Yet, some sexologists say, at the most basic level, there is only one true reason people seek sex.
Wired for Sex
"We are programmed to do so," sex therapist Richard A. Carroll, associate Northwestern University psychiatry and behavioral sciences professor says. "Asking why people have sex is akin to asking why we eat. Our brains are designed to motivate us toward that behavior."
The idea that humans are hard-wired for sex reflects an evolutionary perspective, according to University of Hawaii psychology professor Elaine Hatfield. "Evolutionary theorists point out that a desire for sexual relations is 'wired in' in order to promote species survival," she says. "Cultural theorists tend to focus on the cultural and personal reasons people have (or avoid) sex. Cultures differ markedly in what are considered to be 'appropriate' reasons for having or avoiding sex."
What's Your Motive?
Why do you seek sex? Motivations generally fall into four main categories, according to psychologists at UT-Austin who asked more than 1,500 undergraduate college students about their sexual attitudes and experiences:
Goal-based reasons: To make a baby, improve social status (for example, to become popular), or seek revenge
Emotional reasons: Love, commitment, or gratitude
Insecurity reasons: To boost self-esteem, keep a partner from seeking sex elsewhere, or feeling a sense of duty or pressure (for example, a partner insists on having sex)
The Difference Between the Sexes
Generally speaking, men seek sex because they like how it feels. Women, although they very well may also derive pleasure from the act, are generally more interested in the relationship enhancement that sex offers. Researchers describe these differences as body-centered versus person-centered sex.
Body-centered sex is when you have sex because you like the way it makes your body feel. You aren't concerned with the emotions of your partner.
Person-centered sex is when you have sex to connect with the other person. You care about the emotions involved and the relationship.