Jan. 14, 2002 -- Dan Savage and his mom are co-hosts of the WebMD Savage Family Advice message board. He recently fielded this question posed to him:
I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. I met him at work; first no-no. He was married; second no-no. He was with her for 14 years, married for nine of them, and they have three children. The marriage was bad for some time. She was seeing someone else, so was he. We met, just talked for several months, then he decided to leave her (four months after we met) and move in with me. His wife had her boyfriend move in with her. Then, however, he grew more and more bitter about that. It was OK for him to be with me, but not OK for his ex-wife to move on with her life.
By Meg LundstromLearn to manage the distractions that sap your concentration — so you can
find your focus and your peace of mind.
Your boss is bugging you to hand in that status report, your husband wants
you to sit down and talk finances, your son needs help with his science
project. You're feeling the urgency of it all, yet here you sit, frittering
away precious minutes, Googling from link to link or flipping from channel to
channel. Pretty soon you're consumed with guilt and frustration...
Time passed, and we moved on and things were going great between us. He no longer showed signs of bitterness or feeling sorry for himself. Everything was going along fine, until recently. In one argument, he said he wished he were still with his ex-wife and that I will never be half the woman she was.
This hurt me deeply. Did he say those things to hurt me? Or did he really mean them? Is he with me only because he can't be with her? He is not exactly the type of person you can ask these questions. Plus, he may just lie about it, rather than hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. I never compare him to my ex-boyfriends, or tell him they were better men than he'll ever be.
Maybe I should just ask him to leave and go figure out what he wants. I don't want this thrown in my face every time we argue. Do you have any advice? I do love him more than I have loved anyone. I just can't understand, after all this time, why would he now say these things?