What Is Narcissism?

Simply put, it’s the tendency to think very highly of yourself and to have little or no regard for others. A narcissist is selfish, vain, and a glutton for attention. But there’s a range. Just because you have some of the traits doesn’t mean you’re mentally unhealthy. 

Experts might say it’s when those traits start to hurt your relationships and distort your sense of self. Extreme narcissism can cross over to a mental illness called narcissistic personality disorder. Your life revolves around your need for approval. You don’t understand or care about others’ feelings. You’re convinced you’re special, and you need others to acknowledge it.

The word narcissism comes from a mythical Greek youth who couldn’t pull himself away from his own reflection. Narcissus was beautiful. Narcissists, on the other hand, don’t have to be beautiful to believe they are. They’re convinced that they’re superior, even when it’s not the reality.

Praise. That’s what a narcissist wants from you. All the time. Their appetite for it is unlimited. And it goes in only one direction, so don’t expect any in return. And if that constant stream of flattery and admiration stops even for a second, they can turn hostile or aggressive very quickly.

Really, they don’t. Other people’s feelings aren’t on a narcissist’s radar. They usually never grow any empathy. They see you as a tool to get what they want, or an obstacle in their way. Sometimes, they don’t mean to be insensitive. They’re simply blind to how they affect you.

A narcissist’s puffed-up self-image often masks a fear that they don’t measure up. When someone punctures their ego or insults them, narcissists can lash out. They demean, belittle, and intimidate. Many studies have linked narcissism with higher levels of aggression and violence.

You might not see the red flags at first. Narcissists are often charming and popular. But over time, they may become cold, manipulative, and cruel. And they are often unfaithful, always on the lookout for a more impressive or better-looking partner.

You’d think narcissists would favor partners who feed their egos or who put up with their insensitivity. But that’s usually not the case. Narcissists hook up with all personality types. Still, they’re a bit more likely to end up in a relationship with another narcissist.

They make good first impressions and excel in job interviews. But they can be lousy hires. Narcissists overestimate their own skills and put yours down. They’ll do whatever it takes to impress. They’ll barge into private conversations, give unwanted advice, and shamelessly steal ideas. They’re also rated worse by the employees they manage, except by those who are narcissists themselves.

A dose of narcissism can be a good thing. It can build your self-esteem and give you joy. You’re less likely to be depressed, lonely, or discouraged. ”Normal narcissists” often are excellent speakers and visionaries. That may be why they also tend to earn bigger salaries in the corporate world.

Just ask them! They are surprisingly willing to tell you exactly who they are. Not that they think there’s anything wrong with them. They might even say you’re a sucker for not being a narcissist yourself. They for sure won’t apologize for their behavior or how they live their life.

They may lull you with grand dreams when life is good. But when the fantasy pops, you may become the root of all their problems. Don’t buy into either distorted picture. It helps if you:

• Don’t make excuses for them when they lie or hurt others.
• Realize they will do the same to you.
• Focus on your own dreams and goals.

Set boundaries. Decide where your limit is. Stick to it even as they try to punish, charm, or bully you.

Criticize gently. They may get angry if you threaten their self-image. Focus on how their behavior makes you feel rather than on their intentions.

Walk away if they become angry. Try again when they’re calm.

Don’t argue. They probably won’t hear you and may attack your motives.

Narcissists aren’t keen to get professional help. After all, defensiveness is one of their hallmarks. And there’s no proven treatment. Some experts say talk therapy may help narcissists better understand how their behavior affects others. Some therapists may try more effective treatments meant for conditions with similar traits, like borderline personality disorder.