Signs of Manipulation

Medically Reviewed by Zilpah Sheikh, MD on June 16, 2024
Written by Stephanie Booth
8 min read

If you're being manipulated by someone, they're trying to control how you act and take away your ability to think for yourself. This tactic can affect not only your relationship with them, but your relationships with others and your mental health. 

To deal with a manipulative person, it's crucial to set firm boundaries and stick to them. 

Manipulation means pressuring others, sometimes in sneaky ways, to get what you want. The person doing the manipulating, called the manipulator, seeks to be in control. They're usually very good at reading emotions but use that skill to pick up on your weaknesses and take advantage of you. The end goal of manipulative behavior? To gain personal or professional power.

Manipulation can happen in any type of relationship, from the workplace to your family, although it's most common in close relationships. It includes any attempt to sway your emotions to try to get you to act or feel a certain way.

Common manipulative behaviors

Manipulators have common tricks they use so that you're more likely to give in to their requests. A few common examples include: 

They try to make you feel guilty. A manipulator can skew any situation to make themselves the victim. Or they might remind you of times they've helped you out, making it seem like you owe them.

They encourage you to doubt yourself. If you're repeatedly told that you can't do something or don't understand, you may start to believe it. Manipulators often use this technique to get you to stop doing something. 

They complain. Getting angry, especially in front of others, is a way to coerce you into doing what they want. They're betting that you want to quickly end the conflict, especially if they're making a scene.

They compare you to others. By pointing out what someone else has achieved, a manipulator is really pointing out your shortcomings. It's a way to make you feel "less than," although they may insist they're trying to motivate you.

They charm you. Not all manipulative behavior comes across as negative. Some manipulators may shower you with compliments and praise to build your trust. That way, you're more likely to do what they want.

They give ultimatums. In some cases, a manipulator will make threats to get their way. For instance, they may threaten to move out of your house, quit their job, or even harm themselves.

Manipulation can take many forms. In fact, even acting kind can be a form of manipulation if the person's intent is not to genuinely help you, but only to get something for themselves.

Common manipulation tactics

People who manipulate others often have very high emotional intelligence (EI). EI is usually a good skill to have because it helps you understand what others may be thinking or feeling. But in this case, EI helps a manipulator:

  • Quickly spot your weaknesses and figure out how to use them against you 
  • Persuade you to give up something important to you, so you start to rely on them
  • Not give up easily. Once they succeed in their manipulation, they'll likely continue to do so until you get out of the situation.

Common manipulation strategies include: 

Location advantage

A manipulator will try to bring you out of your comfort zone and places that you're familiar with to have an advantage over you. This can be in any place that the manipulator feels ownership of or in control.

Manipulation of facts

A manipulator will lie to you, make excuses, blame you, or strategically share some facts and withhold other truths. In doing this, they feel they're gaining power over you and are smarter than you.

Exaggeration and generalization

Manipulators exaggerate and generalize. They may say things like, “No one has ever loved me.” They use vague accusations to make it harder for you to see the holes in their arguments.

Cruel humor

This tactic is meant to poke fun at your weaknesses and make you feel insecure. Making others look bad is a way that manipulators can feel better about themselves.

Gaslighting

This tactic is used by manipulators to confuse you and make you question your own reality. It happens when you confront their abuse or lies and the manipulator tells you that it never happened.

Passive aggression

A passive-aggressive manipulator doesn’t voice negative feelings toward you. Instead, they find subtle, indirect ways to express their anger and undermine you.

For instance, they might agree to do your work project, then seek passive-aggressive ways to let you know they don’t really want to be doing it. For instance, they could act sullen, although they insist nothing's wrong. Or they might make mistakes on purpose or slack off to try to sabotage your project.

It's worth nothing that people can be passive aggressive for many reasons that aren’t always intended to manipulate. But chronic (long-term) manipulators will use this tactic to make you feel guilty. It's a way for them to show anger without directly being angry, making you feel confused.

Social and emotional bullying

Bullies don’t always use physical violence. Constant criticism, raised voices, and threats are all forms of emotional bullying. Social bullying can take the form of rumor spreading or purposely making you feel left out.

Other forms include intellectual and bureaucratic bullying. In intellectual bullying, someone tries to claim the role of subject matter expert, making you feel like you don't know anything and have to depend on them. Bureaucratic bullying is the use of red tape – laws, procedures, or paperwork – to overwhelm you and thwart your goals.

Distortion

Another strategy used by emotionally manipulative people is to twist facts or other information that you need to properly understand a situation. 

In some cases, the manipulator will simply lie or claim something didn't happen. 

Guilt and sympathy

Guilt is an emotion that many people easily feel. Manipulators prey on this sensitivity. They know that making you feel bad makes them more likely to get what they want.

Withdrawal

The simplest example of this kind of manipulative behavior is the silent treatment, when someone punishes you by ignoring you.

Comparison

Sometimes a manipulative person will compare you to someone else in order to goad you. They may use a specific person to make you feel insecure or try to establish a sense that “everyone else” is doing whatever they want you to do. They may even recruit others to pressure you into a certain emotion or action.

Love-bombing

Showering someone with praise and affection, also called “love-bombing,” is a common manipulation tactic. It's even used in cults. It happens because the manipulator is trying to speed up your relationship so you feel more attached to them. 

Constant judging

A manipulator may also be brazen about judging you, making fun of you, and making you feel bad about yourself. They want to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong, and that no matter what you do, you won't be as good as them. They only focus on what they view as your negative aspects and don't offer comments that lift you up and support you.

It can feel hard to admit that you're being manipulated, especially by someone you have a close relationship with. But manipulation can take an emotional toll on you, so it's important that you find a safe way out of the situation.

How to identify manipulation

You're more likely to be manipulated if you:

  • Are a people pleaser and like to make others happy
  • Seek others' approval
  • Often find yourself saying yes, when you want to say no
  • Easily see the best in people 
  • Tend to want to stay in relationships, even if you're unhappy in them

if you think you're being manipulated by someone in your life:

  • Take a step back and try to assess the situation. What are the facts? Focus on those instead of your beliefs or opinions.
  • Trust your gut. What does your intuition tell you about this person and their treatment of you? 

It's not your fault if you are being manipulated. But once you realize it, there are things you can do to reduce how much it affects you. 

The most important strategy? Put some distance between you and the person who's trying to pressure you into doing what they want.

How to set boundaries

Think of boundaries as a framework for how you want to be treated. They help you respect yourself and encourage others to do the same. When you set healthy boundaries, you're better able to protect yourself emotionally and physically. 

If this concept is new to you, you might start by asking yourself what you need from others to be happy and how much time and energy you have for other people in your life. If you're a people pleaser, take some time to think about your feelings – not what others want from you.

To set strong boundaries with a manipulative person, you might decide to:

  • Limit how often you see them, if that's possible. That will make it easier to contain your relationship, although in extreme cases, you may need to cut off all contact.
  • Don't overshare. The more a manipulator knows about you, the more they can use those details against you. Try to keep your conversations brief and general.
  • Stay neutral. Manipulators thrive on drama, so try not to give them any. Respond neutrally when they attempt to get you worked up. For instance, you could shrug, avoid making eye contact, or only give short, unemotional answers.
  • Take a moment. Pause before you agree to anything a manipulative person asks of you. Take a moment (or longer) and ask yourself what it is that you really want to do, separate from their request.

Deciding which boundaries to set often depends on how manipulative the person is.

If you feel like someone may be trying to manipulate you – whether it's a partner, relative, friend, co-worker, or anyone else – it's important to get support, especially if the situation is abusive in any way. Some people you can reach out to include:

Call 911 if you're in immediate danger.

Research shows that you're more likely to manipulate others if you have narcissistic personality traits. Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which you have an excessively high opinion of yourself. You need attention and admiration from others, but you're not inclined to care about their feelings. And you'll take advantage of others to get what you want or think you deserve.

Narcissistic personality disorder is more common in men than it is in women.

If you're able to admit that you manipulate others for your own benefit, professional support can help you stop. You may think that talking to a therapist isn't worth your time, but try to keep an open mind. Therapy can help you understand what motivates you to take advantage of others and show you healthier ways to communicate. You'll likely see your relationships with others improve and be better able to manage your feelings.

 

Manipulation means trying to control another person so they will do what you want because it benefits you. Firm boundaries are necessary to protect yourself from a manipulator. If you're not sure how to safely end a manipulative relationship, seek help from a counselor, trusted friend, family member, or a domestic violence nonprofit.