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What Is a People Pleaser?

A people pleaser is typically someone everyone considers helpful and kind. When you need help with a project or someone to help you study for an exam, they’re more than willing to step up.

If you recognize yourself in the above description, you may be a people pleaser. But at some point, constantly making yourself available to others can take an emotional toll. You may find that you neglect your own needs because you fear disappointing others when they ask for your help.

What Are the Signs of a People Pleaser?

So how do you know whether you’re a nice person or someone who fits the profile of a people pleaser? It’s one thing to want to help others because it's part of your nature. But people pleasers often end up being taken advantage of by others. Signs you may be a people pleaser can include:

Agreeing with whoever is in front of you. Many of us learn how to politely listen to others as part of our social skills. That can veer into people-pleasing behavior if you constantly agree with people because you want to earn their admiration and not because you believe what you’re saying. 

Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. People pleasers often make themselves responsible for the emotional responses of others. If someone feels bad, you may blame yourself or fear that person thinks you’re the problem. It’s good to say you’re sorry if you’ve hurt someone, but there may be a deeper issue if you’re frequently apologizing for things you have no control over.

Not being able to say no. If you find it difficult to tell others no when they ask you for something, you may be a people pleaser. Many people pleasers prefer making up excuses later to get out of a commitment instead of saying no from the start. If you do follow through, you can regret not having the strength to stand up for yourself. 

Changing your personality depending on who’s around you. People pleasers tend to shift their behavior and attitude to match that of the person or group. That can lead to you acting in ways that are out of character or participating in actions you disagree with just to fit in socially. People pleasers tend to do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person. 

Your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others. The confidence of a people pleaser rises and falls based on how others perceive them. 

Effects of Being a People-Pleaser

If you’re in a constant people pleaser mode, you can lose sight of who you are. You may have no idea of what truly makes you happy. People pleasers may spend so much time trying to please others that they don’t know what to do with themselves if there’s no one asking them for something. Constant people-pleasing behavior can lead to: 

Lack of self-care. Constantly devoting yourself to meeting the needs of others can cause you to neglect your own. You may find yourself getting sick or mentally burned out from the pressure of trying to please everyone. 

Built-up resentment. You may find yourself bottling up anger because you feel that people take advantage of you. That can lead you to make passive-aggressive comments and show other signs of your frustration. You may start pulling away from people instead of letting them know what’s going on and working to improve the situation. 

Inability to enjoy yourself. The stress from constant people pleasing can make it hard to enjoy simple pleasures like going out for ice cream or watching your favorite TV show. Committing yourself to a lot of different things can make it hard for you to wind down and relax because of the constant stress. 

How to Make Space for Yourself

Take a step back and look at where you’re spending most of your time and energy. Keep track of how often you say yes when someone asks you for something. Think about how you feel in those moments. Taking stock of the times you’re unable to give a firm “No” can help you recognize those situations in the future and give a different response. 

Look for patterns in your people-pleaser behavior. There may be people that you feel more of a compulsion to try and satisfy. Your actions may be a way to recover from the hurt they caused you in the past.

Start recognizing your limits and placing boundaries around how you spend your time. Think about how much bandwidth you really have before making commitments. Try to expend your energy only on those things that align with your values and make you feel good. 

WebMD Medical Reference

Sources

SOURCES:

James Madison University: “Counseling Center: People Pleasing.”

NPR: “How To Say No, For The People Pleaser Who Always Says Yes.”‌

Psychology Today: “10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser.”‌‌

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